Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest Parody
by Vicarious Facade
Summary: This rewrites the script in a comical fashion. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY. It pokes fun while still loving it at the film, characters, etc. It's a pretty kickas riot for those that are fans. It was widely acclaimed on LiveJournal and now it's here.
1. Chapter 1

**Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest  
The Parody**

Rain: _Pound!_

Wind: _Rush!_

Trees: _Snap!_

Elizabeth: _Freely sits in the middle of a hurricane in a yellow_(!)_ wedding dress. White is the color of virginity. That must make yellow the color of a virgin that knows how to handle a sword._

_Anywhoo, a DRAMATIC and METAPHORICAL storm crashes Elizabeth (Keira Knightley) and Will's wedding. Or at least it would have, if Will (Orlando Bloom) had shown up for it._

Elizabeth: mutters profanities under her breathWill-that-little-bitch-standing-me-up-on-my-wedding-daymutter Does this mean that I don't get a wedding night?

Footsteps: Patter

Elizabeth: _Turns around in shock and sticks out breast for emphasis! _Will! WTF! Why the fck didn't you show up! You pansy! If you were nervous about tonight, then you should have fcking told me that you were a fcking eunuch and I would have FCKING gone and FCKED Jack Sparrow while a still had a chance to FCK!

Will: P-please calm down, M-mmiss Swa—Elizabeth. LOOK!

Shackles: cling!

Lord Cutler Beckett: Hello lovies! I'm totally going to be an asses rats and arrest you two. Buahah! And then I can _use_ you to get Jack Sparrow's compass! It's a perfectly sane and totally logical plan! Why I can't get the compass myself? Because I want to bring you two major characters back into the plot. That's why. _Grins madly._

Elizabeth: Who the fu—?

Beckett: STOP STARING AT HER PAINTED ON CLEAVAGE MEN! CHAIN HER!

Governor Swann: Elizabeth... _wimper_...

Will: _Looking huffy and full of pent-up sexual tension_ _decides to ask a question that took him the entire time-span of walking to his ruined wedding to word correctly. _In the category of all questions NOT answered—

Elizabeth: What are the charges! _Sticks out chest. Puckers lips. Juts out jaw._

Beckett: _Placid._ Just to inform you, I am completely unaffected by your womanly womanness. Your painted on seductiveness does nothing for me! And the reason for this will be revealed later on. Anywhoo! I am arresting you on these totally true but absolutely unreal charges of helping that whimsical lil' ponce Sparrow fly free, savvy?

Everyone: ...

END SCENE

Mr. Gibbs: Sixteen men on the dead man's chest... HAHA! A nice little reference to old pirate classics! AND! This movie's subtitle! How about that! Yo ho ho... and a bottle of rum! BEING DRUNK AND HAVING KNOWLEDGE BEYOND THE WORLD OF THIS MOVIE IS FUUUN!

Dude in cages eyes: _Pecked the HECK OUT!_

Coffin: _Plops into water._

Bird: _Pecks at coffin._

Bird: BOOM! POOF!

Sexy Man Hand: _Swivels with pistol._

Jack Sparrow, SORRY, _Captain_ Jack Sparrow: ARRIVES! Out of the coffin.

Music: SOARS AND CRESCENDOS at the arrival of him!

Dead Man's Leg: _Lopped off by Jack and used as a paddle. Nice._

Jack gets retrieved by the crew of his precious Black Pearl. We meet a pirate who've we've never seen before but apparently isn't very experienced with keys... and what they do...

Jack: I am going to swagger about! AND! AND! Exhale my breath at you a lot and tell you in a very confusing manner that we want to find a key! The reason why we need to find a drawer—ing of this key to begin with? You'll never get me to tell! But the key is important... so go find your own damn heading while I soil myself in rum, savvy?

Crew: _Angry and wanting to mutineer... because of the lack of things that are... well how do I say correctly... _SHINY!

END SCENE

_Beckett's EVIL headquarters... or erm, a room office thing._

Beckett: Hello bitch!

Will: -- Um... I'm not _anybody's_ bitch.

Beckett: Well, considering that you were used as a pawn in the first movie to help gain back a scallywag's beloved ship, exact revenge, the fact that you were also a wee little blacksmith that crafted swords that Mr. Brown got all the credit for, ... and also considering the outcome of this movie... then umm yeah, you're _everybody's_ bitch, savvy?

Will: ...Stop saying savvy. That's not natural...

Writer: Oh Will! Haha! Always staying true and noble and honest.

Beckett: STFU. Anywhoo, you're going to get me the compass... but I guess I've already said that. BUT! Since I'm such a fantastically awesome guy, I'm going to give Sparrow, you, and your feminina full pardon if you do so, k?

Will: Because I love Elizabeth so much but really don't give two craps about Sparrow or myself, I am going to do it! I am going to take on an impossible task all for Elizabeth. In fact, I think I should break this desk into pieces and start carpentering a shrine for her. All hail Elizabeth!

Beckett: How nice... if only you weren't a blacksmith and a carpenter instead...

Will: Oh yes! _Slaps table heartedly._ What luck! What luck. _Chuckle._

Beckett: _Looks on at Will in mild disgust mixed with sexual angst._ I'm totally going to get another chance to BURN Sparrow with my FLAME TORCH STICK!

Will: Wtf?...

END SCENE

_Captain's Quarters_

Jack: I like to play with protractors and compasses. Honestly! It's so much fun! It's like BATTLESHIP!

Audience: ...

Jack: Am I drunk again? Because that explains why the vodka is always gone... which was a joke in the actual movie and which is a total no-no in script parodies... Anywhoo! I must go find more vodka! BUAHA!

Vodka bottle: I have sand in me. Sorry dude.

Bootstrap Bill Turner: Jaaaaaack. _Moan _Oh yes! YES! JAAACK! _Moaning ensues_

Jack: Brown Boot? Wait no... Booty? Erm... BOOTSTRAP! Haha! I could never forget a moan like yours... _smirk_

Bootstrap: Jack, that's completely besides the pooiiiint. Davy Joooones has sent me to give you the blaaaack spoooot. Because guess what? Times ruuun ooouuutt. Oooooh!

Jack: You mean my thirteen years of being captain of the Black Pearl in exchange for my soul, that I totally just so happened to forget to mention in the first movie, is up! YOU MEAN THAT I HAVE TO BE A CREW MEMBER ON THE FLYING DUTCHMAN FOR 100 YEARS?

Boostrap: Erm, yeah. That's it.

Jack: Oh.

Bootstrap: I APPLY BLACK SPOT NOW!

Jack: Hey Booty, did you try and paint your nails blue and spill the whole bottle on your hand? _bites both lipsholds breath _... ... ...BUAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

Bootstrap: ...

Audience: ...

Writer: ...

Jack: By the way, before you go, I just want to mention to you that your son Will is totally pirate-y now. I'm very experienced with your little Willy, if you know what I mean.

_Jack prances about a bit and flounces his fingers and hair a bit more. Jack commands his ignorant crew to set sail for LAND. They lose Jack's hat along the way which ends up on a small fishing boat that ends up..._

Foreign People Boat with Jack's Hat: _SUCKED UNDER WATER!_

END SCENE

_Prison at Port Royal. Elizabeth and Will are nearly sucking face. Elizabeth is in the jail cell and Will prepares to go out and SAVE THE DAY by finding Sparrow. Governor Swann stands by._

Elizabeth: Be careful! Because I really deeply DO care about you and really honestly DON'T just want you for de-virginization. _smiles eagerly_ Although, it would be nice if we could, you know, rough it up and tone down the gentle mushy puppy-eyed longing gazes! SO! In order to do that, I am going to shamelessly admit that I want to sex you up right here right now in front of my daddy.

Will: SHWEET! But no! What I really meant was... I will try to be safe and then I will rescue us and we'll get married and then have gentle teddy bear love. Because I'm waaay too noble and honest for that. D

END SCENE

_After asking crazy pirates at Port Royal where the hell one very insignificant human being in relation to the entire world of trillions of people could be namely Jack Sparrow, Will chooses a location that happens to just be... exactly right._

MUSIC CRESCENDOS. PAN OVER ISOLATED TROPICAL ISLAND. ZOOM ON ANCHORED BLACK PEARL.

Guys, I started typing Poryal. What the heck is that? I believe it is a mix of Port, Royal, and Pearl. This is what happens when your mind is too involved with one thing. O.o Not recommended!

Will: Cool! Thanks for taking me to this island really cool guy!

Cool Guy Rowing Wee Boat: FOREIGNLANGUAGEiamnottakingyouanyfurtherFOREIGN!

Will: Not cool. -- Now I have to show everyone how I dive like a little bitch. _Bitch dives into the SEA and swims to shore._

Despite how ponce-y I dive, I am going to distract you from thinking badly of me by showing off my hot manly wetness. Because now I'm wet... and hot. But MOST IMPORTANLY... noble. D

Parrot: ZOMG! Don't you freaking eat me! Or I'll peck your goddam eyes out! Remember that lil' boy who gotz his eyes all pecked the heck out in the beginning? Well that gonna be you!

Will: Chillax parrot, I am NOT going to eat you. I wonder if that could be foreshadowing what is going to unfold later in the plot! Hah! No. You crack me up William, you crack me up. _slaps thigh_

Will: Oh look! A random string in an isolated jungle! I wonder what it leads to... ...

BOO!

Scary Cannibal: Haha! I SCARE YOU!

_Will gets foot trapped in a... trap... and goes flying in the air! Numerous scary painted cannibals surround him with noticeable stick weapons. _

Will: _Still upside down and hanging like a piñata over the cannibals._ _Raises sword to fight. Obviously out-numbered and very obviously going to LOSE..._

Let's go! Come on! I could do this all day!

It sort of scares me about Will's character that I didn't even make those lines of his up...

Dart from Cannibal: _ZIP INTO WILL'S NECK!_

END SCENE

Will: _Carried to the top of the mountain on Cannibal Island, Will lays motionless with his legs and feet tied around a big... long... stick._

Fangirls: _Go wild! _Orlando tied to a big... long... stick! ZOMGSOGOOD!

Will: _Wakes up._ Jack? Jack Sparrow! I can honestly say, this is something we have NEVER tried before. Kinky, no?

Jack: _Gets out of throne looking very cannibal-decorated. Has that look on his face like he's trying to recall distant memories of the past... and something about sticks... Waves feathers around... much like a ponce, actually._

Will: JACK! Don't you remember! You asked me if I wanted to try the bondage stuff, and I wasn't really into it at the time, but heck... whatever was in that dart has got me feeling up to new things, if you know what I mean, you know? Don't you? ... Or did I just forget that I was way too noble for that kind of stuff. Oh crap I give up. _wimper_

_Cannibals surround them._

Jack: Barseco! Long, peakee peakee. Long, mincey-wincey. Lons they say, Eunuch-kid. Snip snip.

Will: I AM NOT A EUNUCH! And of ALL people, Jack, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT! It's absolutely not cool, man. I don't go up to new friends and tell them you have crabs on your deck!

Jack: BALL-Licky-licky!

Cannibals: BALL-LICKY-LICKY!

And the sad part is, I'm not making that up either.

Will: ANGRYGRUMBLESnotaeunuchANGRY

Jack: Will,... just STFU and save me. --

END SCENE

END PART 1


	2. Chapter 2

Pirates of the Caribbean:Dead Man's Chest  
The Parody Part 2

_Governor Swann lets Elizabeth out of jail where he's set up a passage to London for her. He also bluntly points out that he hates Will with a passion that any father about to get his daughter deflowered would have. Beckett's MANSERVANT arrests Gov'ner and kills the captain of the "safe passage" ship. Elizabeth gets away._

Beckett: Oh no. Someone stole my Letters of Marque. _palms face_

Elizabeth: That would be me. _Points gun_

Beckett: Oh right. Well I better make them valid. I should also touch a soft spot and insinuate that you care dearly about saving Jack and you defensively retort...

Elizabeth: TO SAVE **_WILL_**!

Beckett: Suuuuure. By the way, the puckering does nothing for me love... so just... no. Stop. STOP! AH! The TORTURE! The pain!

Elizabeth: _Leaves._

END SCENE

_Pintel and Ragetti are on a small boat. They shortly explain that they escaped prison which gives reason for why they are in this movie and not dead... like it seemed like they would be at the end of the first one. They speak intelligently about religion and the dichotomy of good and evil when all of a sudden they decide to take the Black Pearl which is STILL stationed at Cannibal Island. _

END DESCRIPTION

_Approximately twelve crew men in two separate bone cages dangle over a huge tropical canyon. _

Will: Holy crap! We're in bone cages! We're dangling over a huge tropical canyon! Why did Jack do this to meee. After all we've been through. _Begins to sob like the little girl that he is_

Mr. Gibbs: Pipe down! _Slaps Will. _

Will: _Immediately stops._

Mr. Gibbs: You see, the cannibals think Jack looks like a drunken gay peacock. Hence the eyes drawn on his cheeks. The peacock is quite a delicacy in the Pelegostos culture.

Will: So they're going to make hot bird/man love to him?

Mr. Gibbs: sigh... No Will... no no...

Will: Listen! I want a piece of that action, and I think y'all do too! So we have to get out of these bone cages!

END SCENE

Jack: My name JACK! JACK is KING! JACK KING OFF! Pardon, JACK KING OF LAND! So give me one spanking hot FLAME PIT!

_Jack runs like hell._

Jack: Oh huzzah! A... a... hut! That's unusual! With erm, rope! Even MORE unusual! And a shaker of Paprika? FINALLY! Something that should be on an isolated jungle island! _Wobble_.

Cannibals: Mmmm... tasty meaaat! We FIND YOU! You try and RUN! WE catch you! HAHA! Silly FOOOOD.

Jack: Oh shit. OKAY! I am going to be clever now and put the seasoning on my armpits! HAHAHA! I AM TOO GOOD! I'll also be a little gay and smell myself!

Cannibals: FI-RAH! Tie Jack to big... long... stick! PUT OVER FLAME! HUZZAH!

Jack: But! Didn't I amuse you with my seasoning spiel?

Cannibals: _Grin with gleeee!_

Fangirls: _Rip hair out of scalps. _Johnny Depp? Tied to a big...long...stick? ZOMGWTFSOGOOD!

Jack: That's hot. ... The fire is too.

END SCENE

_After losing the less attractive pirates in the other bone cage due to the snappage of some very weak rope, Will, Mr. Gibbs, etc. roll their cage throughout the jungle while being chased by a buttload of cannibals._

Will: FUN!

Mr. Gibbs: WOOT!

Tree: WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!

Canyon: Come play with me rolling ball!

Hamster: It's SO not as fun as it looks... --

Water: Even though you all just fell hundreds of feet at a very high speed, I am going to miraculously break your fall! And let you out of that bone cage too.

Will: Thanks Water! Hey everyone, let's go impossibly dodge _every single arrow_ that flies at us!

END SCENE

_Jack escapes from his fiery flame pit... still attached to the big long stick. _

Jack: COCONUTS! Now I am going to amaze you audience with my kickass gymnastic skills that I have never revealed to anyone until _this fateful day_!

Cannibal Women: _Not Anused. Throw fruit._

Jack: STOP THROWING FRUITY BALLS AT MY FACE! I get enough of that from Will! Luckily, I know how to counter that. You just have to know how to position your big...long... stick right between each fruity ball.

Cannibal Women: DIE! WE GO KILL YOU AND TURN YOU INTO HUMAN SHISH KABOB!

Jack: _Flys through the air. Amazingly does not break a single bone falling hundreds of feet and crashing into every bridge that (as the writers would like us to believe) break his fall. Nearly misses a shish kabobbing through some body tissue. Ouch._

Jack voodoo doll: And what part do I play in all of this? Why am I on the poster then...

END SCENE

Will: Where's Will? I mean Jack! I mean me! I mean... shit I don't know what's going on but I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE WITHOUT THAT UMM... PROTRACTOR THING!

_Jack kills a puppy with keys and is chased by more cannibals but makes it to the Black Pearl. They sail off. _

Will: Jack... give me your compass or SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!

Jack: Which would be?

Will: Well, umm... that would be, erm... ELIZABETH DYING!

Jack: Ooh! Thank goodness. I thought you were going to throw your fruity balls at me again.

Will: It's NOT THE TIME for that Jack. _pout _

Jack: Fine, my boy, then why the hell should I give two shits about What's Her Face?

Will: Because!

Jack: Listen. You're going to risk limb and life, go out and get me this key which belongs to Davy Jones, (the DEVIL of the sea), and then I'll give you this wee little compass. So be a good lil' girl and comply, savvy?

Will: OKAY! _grins excitedly _Hee!

Jack: Gibby! Let's go the swamp.

END SCENE

_On a non-pirate ship sailing away from Port Royal._

Ugly Sailor: Oh my god! Uglier Sailor, I found us a dress!

Uglier Sailor: WOOT! Now we can play those kinky dress-up games like we used to! Down below we go!

Ugliest Sailor: NO! It's totally mine! _grab_

Captain of the HONEST but ugly ship: NO! There's a naked virgin stowaway with pent-up sexual desires that is on our ship!

Boy!Elizabeth: BUAHAHAHAHA! Now that my cleavage isn't popping out of my dress, no one can see the breast shading! So now they look small. I'm so happy I can be a young boy! Now I can finally please Will!

END SCENE

_Crew of the Black Pearl rowing in boats up a SCARY DARK DANK SWAMP!_

Will: Mr. Gibbs... could you please inform me what the hell is going on. Like, I don't know! And I don't know why I don't know! _Voice gets shrill, pace quickens. Much like Michael Jackson _We're in this really narrow lake thing and sometimes I get so confused I just don't know what to do... and I... and I! _eyes tear up_

Mr. Gibbs: William... we're in a swamp. We don't want to go out to open sea because then a giant sea monster will suction your pretty face off.

Will: _palms face _Oh my god! Not my face!

Iguana: Pst... BOO!

Will: AAAHHHH! _cough _No, Will, remember what I told you about screaming like that. That's why you have to be noble! _slap self_

_Jack and Gibbs get off boats because they have arrived at TIA DALMA's LOVE SHACK!_

Jack: Oh dear. Must. Protect. Front.

Will: Why? Did you steal _her_ boat? I hope she SLAPS YOU!

_Jack enters Love Shack._

Tia Dalma: Jack Fcking Twist!

Jack: Sorry Tia, I'm no Jake Gyllenhaul.

Readers not aquainted with Brokeback Mountain: ... I don't...know. _Closes Internet Browser_

Tia Dalma: Oooh, Jaaaack. I always knowed you would blow wind in my back for me one day. _Looks at Will who has gotten over his girly kick and has decided to be manly and noble again for the time being._

Will: _Raises eyebrows, smirks, and pouts._

Tia Dalma: YOU! You dair! All manly and pretty! WILLIAM... TURNAH!

Will: You speak raise-eyebrow/smirk/pout talk?

Tia Dalma: What _service_ may I _do_ you? Better yet, _can_ I do you?

Audience: Isn't she being a bit forward for a Disney movie?

Jack: _gasp! _TIA! I demand you tell me where to find the key of Davy Jones while I swagger around a bit and steal your rings just so the camera can show that you have a LOCKET shaped like a crab.

Tia: Jack, do you haf a black spot or not?

Jack: Umm.. no?

Tia: DAVY JONES! He twas a great sailor! And den he fell in love...

Will: With Jack!

Tia: No... with a woMAN.

Will: Yeah! So with Jack!

Tia: And den she broke him heart so he cut it out of him and locked it away in de chest. Jack... you need this... _Hands Jack the infamous JAR OF DIRT! _A touch of DESTINY will show you where the Flying Doucheman is.

END SCENE

_The Black Pearl is in the middle of a big wet storm and it looks out onto a ship run aground on a reef._

Will: That's... the Flying Doucheman?

Jack: No Will, it's the Flying _Dutch_man.

Will: Oh. Then where's the Flying Douche—

Jack: William, just STFU and get me the damn key.

Will: Okay! Hee!

_Will rows over to the RunAground Ship. _

Will: Oy! You sailor! Where's the key of Davy Jones?

Sailor: Oh my god! It's going to SUCK YOUR PRETTY FACE OFF! The FOUL BREATH!

Will: Well that's rather _rude_. _reaches in pocket, gets out a mentos and pops in mouth_ There... better? Hoh.

Guy with face SUCTIONED OFF: Hello. _throb_

Will: Holy shit!

Davy Jones' undead sailor AKA Barnacle Boy: BOO!

Will: HOLY SHIIIIT!

_A BUNCH of undead soldiers surround Will._

Will: No matter, no matter! I am going to SCARE you all away with my FLAME SWORD! HA HA! Get back!

Hard Object: _COLLIDES WITH WILL'S HEAD. Will lays motionless and knocked-out._

END SCENE

_Will is now awake with five other men on their knees surrounded by the undead crew of Davy Jones._

Davy Jones' Peg Leg: THUD!

Davy Jones: I... am Davy Jones-Zah! Join me, and I'll postpone your death-tha! _snort_

Will: Teehee. _mumble_talkfunnyteehee_mumble_

Davy Jones: YOU! You look too sexy to be dead or dying...why are you here?

Will: To SAVE THE WOMAN I LOVE! And Jack Sparrow.

_Jack looks on through his telescope._

Davy Jones: Boo-yah.

Jack: Oh! You're here? Listen mate, how about I trade my soul for 100 other souls. Savvy?

Davy Jones: You've got three days-zah. And I keep the kinky boy. I SHALL REMOVE BLACK SPOT NOW! _leaves_

Jack: Gibby, we have need to go to Tortuga to gather up some souls... and another kinky boy. _sad face_

END SCENE

_Elizabeth's stowaway ship in the night._

FLYING DRESS: LOOK AT ME!

Captain of the HONEST but ugly ship: Oh my god! It's a sign!

Ugly Sailor: What does it mean?

Boy!Elizabeth: Luckily, I have managed to put a lamp in the exact position that when I knock it over with this Flying Dress of mine, the oil that I have put on the deck and spelled Tortuga with will catch fire! I am SOOOO NIFTY!

Ugliest Sailor: Dude, we're going to Tortuga.

END SCENE

_Tortuga. Gibbs sits before a line of Sailor Hopefuls for the Black Pearl. Jack sits with compass._

Gibbs: So what makes you worthy to crew the Black Pearl?

Sailor Hopeful #1: I defeated Lord Voldemort.

Gibbs: Lord... who? Nevermind. You're Perfect! Next! So... tell me the same.

Sailor Hopeful #2: I destroyed the ring of power.

Gibbs: And... erm, how did you destroy this _chuckle_ ring of power?

Sailor Hopeful #2: The fire of Mordor of course.

Gibbs: You'll fit right in... So, what's your _story_?

Sailor Hopeful #3 James Norrington: _low grumble _I used to have a stick up my butt and a big powdery wig on my head that looked like it was grown from Governer Swann's ass. Then I lost my skank fiancé, a fine hot lil' number, to a pretty boy who I had always previously thought was gay. I proceeded allowing the pretty boy, the wench, and this scallywag pirate get away. For some unknown and non-addressable reason, I changed my mind about being a good guy and decided to sail after Captain Jack and his crew in order to hang him. Unfortunately, my complete change of character left me being a dumbass and I sailed through a hurricane. Hah! That lost me my crew, my post, and most importantly, my buttsilk wig.

Gibbs: ...Commodore?

Scruffy!Norrington: Do you really not recognize me because of all this newly found hot manly scruffiness? It's true, underneath this sexy dirty exterior, I am the ex-COMMODORE!

Audience: Oh my gah—_GASP!_

Fan Girls: ZOMGWTFORLANDOWHO?SOGOOD! Scruffy!

Jack: Oh my gawd. It's a sort of uncomfortable when you're feeling so hot for someone who used to look like your grandmother on testosterone pills.

Norrington: So anyway, do I make your crew even sexier, or not? Am I worthy to sail under the man that single-handedly destroyed my stuffy life? Or should I just bang him now? _Cocks Pistol_

Writer: Tee hee. _immature _cock.

Jack: Mr. Gibbs! Inform this man that he is to take up the post of Kinky Boy. And let's run away now!

Norrington's Pistol: FI-RAH!

Drunken Man's Bottle: EXPLODE!

Tortuga: _Has a brawl._

Jack: I shall steal everyone's hats and leave!

Norrington: Who wants some of this sexiness! Come on! I'll have _all_ of you. Just line up one... by... one.

Tortuga People: SQUEE!

Elizabeth: I WANT SOME OF THAT! ZOMG, why did I dump you! Back off bitches! Oh no! The only way to get dear Scruffington out of this mess is to knock him unconscious! Buahaha... now to the pig sty... to get down and dirty in the mud.

_Norrington lies face down in the muddy pig sty while Elizabeth hovers over his body._

Elizabeth: Oh Norry, look what the world did to you! You're so freaking screwable!

END SCENE

END PART 2


	3. Chapter 3

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest Script Parody Part THREE

_On the Flying Dutchman, loud pipe organ music is heard. Davy Jones is seen playing with his tentacles._

Davy Jones: Look at my mad organ playing skills-zah!

_Meanwhile, a storm rages on the deck._

Undead Pirate: SECURE THE MAST MR. TURNER!

_Bootstrap and Will dash to secure the mast._

Will: Watch yourself, old man! Are you deaf? He asked for _Mr. Turner!_

Bootstrap: _Looks at Will Gasps STARES INTENTLY AT WILL_

Will: _Blushes_ Look, I know I'm sexy and all, but no need to stare. I can handle this!

Canon: _Crashes to the ground and knocks down some ugly undead pirates who got in the way._

Boatswain: Pick up the pretty boy! He's going to be taught a lesson... from my big... long... whip!

Bootstrap: NOOOO! Not the big long whip! _Grabs Boatswain's arm_

Boatswain: Bitch! Just for that, you share the punishment.

Bootstrap: I'll take it all from your big long whip! Until you are _completely_ satisfied!

Davy Jones: Will you now-wha! And why would you give such charity to the kinky boy-yah?

Bootstrap: He's... _my_... kinky boy.

Davy Jones: He belongs to me! Kinky boy... who's your daddy?

Will: giggle Well of course _you_ are sir!

Bootstrap: No. He's my son. Meaning I am his biological FATHA!

Will: _shock _I can't believe I just called Davy Jones my daddy in front of my father!

Davy Jones: Five lashes be owed! _hands whip to Bootstrap_

Bootstrap: NEVAH!

Davy Jones: _Hands whip to Boatswain._

Bootstrap: NOOO!

Will's thin white shirt: _Torn off!_

Fangirls: OMGSOHOT! LOOK-AT-HIS-SUPPLE-SKIN!

Far Too Obsessed Fangirls: Where's Orlando's scar? Oh no! I see it! Right there on his back!

Whip: _Burns across Will's supple skin. _

Audience: Whoa, this is sadistic and cruel.

Will: AAAHHH! I didn't know S&M would be so painful!

Bootstrap: Oh my dear god.

_Will is pushed down the ladder to the hold._

Audience: _Sees Will's torn the hell up back. _Noooo! They've ruined his supple back skin!

Parents: And this is definitely way too graphic for a Disney movie.

Children: Hush. This is awesome!

Bootstrap: _Tries to help Will up._

Will: I hate you! Go away!

Bootstrap: What I did was an act of compassion.

Will: Okay, if you say so. All is instantly forgiven. 

_Bootstrap and Will soon discover that in order to kill Davy Jones, you must stab his heart which is in a chest that is hidden and which can only be opened by a key that is hidden as well. Sucks much?_

END SCENE

_In Tortuga, Boy!Elizabeth follows Jack to the Black Pearl._

Boy!Elizabeth: Captain Sexy!

Jack: _Doesn't look around to see who he is talking to _Come to join me crew, lad! Welcome aboard.

Elizabeth: I'm here to screw a certain sailor on your ship.

Jack: _stops frightened _I'm sorry mate, but the post of kinky boy is already filled.

Elizabeth: Uh! Fine! Then I guess I have to get Will back for that. _annoyed/disappointed_

Jack: _turns around_ Oh my gah! It's Elizabeth! Come darling, let's go get naked.

Elizabeth: Mmmm, maybe later. I've decided I'm looking for Will now.

Jack: Unfortunately, darling, Will has fallen madly in love with Davy Jones and Davy Jones with him.

Elizabeth: ...

Norrington: _Throws up continually _Oh, blargh, please, blegh, the captain of the Flying Dutchman?

Jack: Yay Commodore! I'll be with you in a minute. Just go wait patiently in my cabin like a good boy. _wink_

Elizabeth: Jack. About Will?

Jack: Oh yes, I'm truly sorry. It's just that the Commodore's new looks are making me rethink entirely what I should have done in the first movie... if you catch my drift.

Elizabeth: JACK!

Jack: You really _just_ want to find Will?

Elizabeth: Well, yes, because when we're finally married, I'll get what I want most. _blush_

Jack: Well, hon, in order to save your dear William, we must first take possession of the Chest of Davy Jones. What's inside the chest is his still beating heart. We find the chest, we find Will. So, use this compass and want the chest most of all.

Elizabeth: _holds Jack's compass _Okay. What I want most of all in this world is a Dead Sexy Man's Chest. _compass points in a direction and gives out the heading_

END SCENE

_Beckett's office, or if you will, Evil Lair!_

Beckett: There's something about being incredibly boring whenever I talk, isn't there?

De-wigged Governor Swann: Please... unchain me... please. _wimper_

Beckett: Recognize this sword? It's the Ex-Commodore's. You know who made it? Mr. Turner! Isn't that an uncanny bit of knowledge that shows how much this world has changed?

De-wigged Governor Swann: Dude, please, you are just so boring.

Beckett: No I'm not! I have like... one fangirl! I bet you have none! No one loves you! Buahaha!

De-wigged Governor Swann: ...what do you want from me?

Beckett: I want you and I... us... and I want your loyalty to only me.

Governor Swann: Do what you can for Elizabeth.

END SCENE

_Hammer-head pirate and two others play the Game of Deception aboard the Flying Dutchman._

Will: _To Bootstrap excitedly. _Is it like poker!

Bootstrap: Not at all.

Will: Hmm, well I challenge Davy Jones-zah!

Bootstrap: There's no "zah"

Will: But that's how he says—

Pegleg: THUD!

Davy Jones: I accept-tha-duh.

Will: I'll give you my body for an eternity on this ship if you give me your key.

Davy Jones: How do you know of the key!

Will: Brittany_ Murphy, Don't Say a Word reminiscent _I'll never tell.

_Jones shows Will the key. Die are cast. Then ensues the confusing game of Liar's Dice. Bootstrap joins in and matches Will's bet. Will has a spaz._

Will: Four fives!

Davy Jones: Seven fives!

Will: Eight fives!

Bootstrap: Twelve fives!

Audience: This is the second time I've seen this and I still don't know how the hell you play this game...

Davy Jones: LIAR! _leaves_

Bootstrap: True true, but I couldn't let my son lose.

Will: Dude, you freaking idiot, it was never about winning or losing.

Bootstrap: The key? But... if you make a deal with Jones, how would you ever hope to escape him? I mean we have all made a deal with him... and yet none of us got off the ship. How were you going to then get the chest if it's not on the ship? It just doesn't make any sense at all.

Writers: Shhh... it's called Suspension of Disbelief.

_Later that night. Everyone is asleep on the Flying Dutchman. Will seeks the key. He creeps into Davy Jones's cabin. Davy lies asleep at the pipe organ. Will makes some adorably cute funny faces. The pipe organ goes ballistic when Jones's tentacles hit it. A LOCKET that looks mighty familiar opens up and plays a sad romantic tune. Will then pulls an Indiana Jones and switches the key out with the drawing of the key. Will runs out to his father._

Bootstrap: Here's a rusty old knife. This makes up for me abandoning you when you were a boy.

Will: Daddy, I am going to severe Davy Jones's hold on you. And because I am so noble, I take this crappy old knife with a promise: I will not rest until you are free.

Bootstrap: Well I guess having you wasn't a mistake after all.

Will: _Attempts to sound believably dramatic, which is sort of hard if you're Orlando Bloom _I will not abandon _you._

_Will swims away into the infinite abyss of the ocean. That's smart._

END SCENE

_The Black Pearl in the day. Norrington is seen swabbing the deck with his dirty old wig. Poor sexy man. Anyways, back-to-having-long-hair-Elizabeth talks with Gibbs and Jack._

Hair-Extensions!Elizabeth (no seriously): Lord Cutler Beckett of the East India Trading Company gave me these: Letters of Marque. _shows Jack_

Jack: Psh! I hate that bastard and his flame torch stick! But I'll take them anyway. How did you come by these?

Elizabeth: Persuasion.

Jack: Friendly?

Elizabeth: Decidedly not.

Jack: So Will upholds the deal with honor, yet you are the one standing here with the prize. You see how the writers are making you become more and more like me?

Elizabeth: Jack, shut the hell up and give me the letters.

Jack: Not until you sleep with me.

Elizabeth: A hand job, _maybe..._ Will says I'm quite good at it. He likes it especially when I wear my hair up and moan in my best impersonation of Norrington... but anyway, I am NOT a complete whore! Yet...

Jack: Deal! Now come handle my scissors.

Parents: Oh my god, they did not just insinuate sex in a Disney movie...

Johnny Depp Fangirls: I want to hurt Keira... so bad...

Elizabeth: Jack! Forget it! I've still got an ounce of decency in me saved up for Will. _walks away from Jack and stands with back against the railing of the ship_

_Norrington stands beside her._

Elizabeth: Hee hee hee. _smirk_/ _delights over her interaction with Jack/ gigglegiggle _

Norrington: What the f-ck, Elizabeth. Three years ago I had wished so desperately for you to smile like that while picturing me naked. Hell, I even tried to get you to walk in on me while I was changing eleven years ago on the crossing from England.

Elizabeth: Eww! Wasn't I like, ten? Hoh, but I absolutely do not know _what_ you are talking about.

Norrington: Oh I think you do...

Elizabeth: James, I deny anything you say about me falling in love with Jack Sparrow. It's sick and wrong and totally out of sync with the first movie.

Norrington: Who said anything about love? It's obvious that you're lusting for him.

Elizabeth: Standing next to you is making me quite confused. I'm starting to wonder why I ever wanted Will over you.

Norrington: Because at the time, my head looked like an ice-cream cone...

Elizabeth: Well you've finally got your wish.

Norrington: What do you mean?

Elizabeth: I _am_ picturing you naked. _wink_

Norrington: Bitch, you broke my heart. _shakes head_ Your constant changing of heart is too much for me. _leaves_

Elizabeth: So much for Scruffington... _opens compass _Holy shit, it's pointing to Jack. That's what my heart desires. But I can't be a whore until the big climactic ending!

Pirate 1 Purists: _gasp_

Johnny Fangirls: Oh my god... what the f-ck? I'm disgusted.

Orlando Fangirls: Things are looking better for me!

Jack/Liz Shippers: That's _my_ ship, boy!

END SCENE

_Will sits in a chair with a blanky wrapped around him. He's aboard the HONEST but ugly ship. The other men surround him._

Will: You men play sensual dress-up games too? I personally love wearing the dress...

Captain: Erm...

Will: Wait a minute... that looks so familiar!

_BANG! LOAD NOISE! SHIP LURCHES!_

Will: The stars are veiled. Something stirs in the East. A sleepless malice. The eye of the enemy is moving. He is HERE.

Captain: Who?

Will: Davy Jones! The Flying Dutchman! Shit! The KRAKEN!

_Silence._

_The Captain is grabbed by a tentacle and flown out to sea._

Ugly Sailor: Oh my god! We're in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea!

_DRAMATIC PIPE ORGAN MUSIC!_

The HONEST but ugly ship: _RIPPED APART!_

Will: Aaaahhh! _balances on sail_

Kraken: RAWR! FEEL MY WRATH! _breaks down Will's sail_

Will: I! AM! ERROL! FLYNN! _unsheathes crusty knife and stabs sail to ease his fall/ jumps off sail into the water and swims to the Flying Dutchman where, conveniently, no one sees him_

Undead Pirate of the Flying Dutchman: The boy was claimed by the sea.

Davy Jones: No! This is all Jack Sparrow's fault! Now we have to go all the way to the Isla Cruces... and before anyone else, too.

_Elizabeth's wedding dress drifts to the depths of the ocean, metaphorically symbolizing the demise of her relationship with Will. How poetic._

END SCENE

_Elizabeth sits on the steps of the Black Pearl pondering something intently. Jack strides up to her and places himself beside her._

Jack: That pout is making me hot. Are you gagging for a shag?

Elizabeth: NO! I just want to be married. I am so ready to be married.

Jack: Here's some rum. _hands bottle to Elizabeth_ Now let's get smashed and go get married in Vegas.

Elizabeth: ...

Jack: Oh come on Lizzie, banging on the deck will be fun! I'm sure Commodore will want to join in too.

Elizabeth: As tempting as that sounds and despite what you might believe, I am in love with William. I have been ever since I was a teenager.

Jack: Yes, but you've fantasized about me ever since you were a little girl. Don't assume I don't remember when you said, "Are you the pirate that I've read about or not?"

Elizabeth: Meeting you was enormously disappointing.

Jack: Darling, you're hot, I'm hot, and so it's guaranteed that our sex will be hot, too. You know, once we're married and all.

Elizabeth: And those are the words of a gentleman. From the first moment I met you, your arrogance and conceit, your selfish disdain for the feelings of others made me realize that you were the last man in the world I could ever be prevailed upon to marry!

Jack: Ouch. No matter, you'll want me in the big climactic ending, I know it.

Elizabeth: How's that?

Jack: Because... you're curious. Plus the writers want to throw in some romantic angst with a love triangle and all.

Elizabeth: Perhaps. But you've got some curiosity issues yourself.

Jack: Do tell dearie.

Elizabeth: You want to know what I taste like. You want to explore every crevice of my body with your tongue and more. _leans closer to his mouth _You want to ride me like a seahorse.

Child: Mommy? I'm uncomfortable and my pants are getting tight.

Jack: Uhhh... you're right. Blunt, but right. _uncomfortable_

Johnny Fangirls: I want to torture Keira!

Parents: Whoa... I should have taken my kids to Superman Returns...

Jack/Liz Shippers: This is amazingly hot.

Willabeth Shippers: _heart shatters_

_Jack and Elizabeth lean closer to each other. Their mouths are only a millimeter away. Jack caresses Elizabeth's hair. He wants it. She wants it. Keira wants it. Johnny imagines how he could be her father..._

Black Spot: It's been three days! _Appears on Jack's palm._

Jack: _shocked/ breaks away from Elizabeth instantly _

Elizabeth: I'm proud of you Jack! _sooo disappointed_ You know, because haha, because, erm, I was you know, just testing you to see if you were a good man or not!

Gibbs: Land, ho!

Jack: I need my dirty dirty jar.

END SCENE

END PART THREE


	4. Chapter 4

I know, it's been a while. But let us pretend that you've read this all straight through. Elizabeth and Jack have just had their "curiosity" encounter atop the deck of the Pearl. They are on shore the island with the buried Dead Man's Chest. Norrington is with them. Will has secretly ridden the Dutchman to this location.

Ragetti: Hey Pintel, let's fight over whether we're Scandinavian or not so we can use up some screen time!

Jack: _wobble_ Stay. Here.

Norrington: Look at this lovely spit of land that you've led us to, Elizabeth!

Compass: _Points to Jack. Points to Norrington. Points to the Elizabeth. Stays on Jack._

Elizabeth: Your compass doesn't work for jack shit.

Jack: _offended _My shit is worth more than your shit, beotch.

Elizabeth: No, I mean your compass is f-cking broken. It certainly doesn't show me what I love most.

Compass: _Points to Elizabeth, stays on Elizabeth._

Elizabeth: Oh! Now it does.

Jack: The compa—shows you what you desire most in this woyald. I thought we've been over this! _flings arms_

Elizabeth: Heh?

Jack: _whistle _ Commodore! Use your shovel and dig in my hole.

Norrington: _content chuckle _You know, I've been offered many a hole, and never have I accepted. Now bend over and feel what I've been saving for over thirty years...

Jack: _Bends over. Pulls down pants._

Elizabeth: STOP! Jack, James... you must remember that you aren't in a Sparrington smut fic!

Jack: Oh right. _Stands up _Now go dig me a hole, James. I have meditation to catch up on.

Norrington: _digs/ hits something hard in ground_ Jack? I've found myself something hard.

Elizabeth: Boys! _annoyed/ angry_

Jack: Elizabeth, I think he means that he's found... THE DEAD MAN'S CHEST!

END SCENE

_On the Flying Dutchman._

Davy Jones: _looks through telescope _They've made it here before us! Boatswain, you are so dead-dah! Go my babies, go and bring me back the chest! If you fail me, I'll whip you with my tentacles! Be-ware-ah!

Hammer-head: Right on. But dude, I'm a shark. Sharks eat squids... I could hammer your big crabby ass into the next decade! _mumbles angrily _Hey, maybe then _you_ could walk on land and do this shit _yourself. _

Davy Jones: Uh uh, boy-ee, I control your soul-lah.

_Back to Pintel and Ragetti._

Pintel: Did you just see that?!

Ragetti: A snake? A plane? snakes on a plane? Superman saving a crashing plane carrying Mr. Turner's on-the-side ex-mistress?!

Pintel: You suck. What a cheap shot at a joke.

But no! The Flying Dutchman diving into the ocean!

END SCENE

_The Isla de Cruces. Jack, Elizabeth, and Norrington pull the chest out of the ground. Jack breaks open the wooden chest which contains the Dead Man's Chest. _

Norrington: So let me get this straight. We went all this way to find Davy Jones's chest of porn? _holds out brown parchment from the chest_

Elizabeth: No. _shakes head/ annoyed_ These are _love_ letters. Not that you'd know anything about love. _tilts head toward the sky... thinks about Jack—wait no Will_

Norrington: Then why does this 'love letter' have a drawing of a naked Miss Calypso: Goddess of the Sea. _looks expectantly_

Jack: Tia! _grabs parchment from Norrington/ pulls out Dead Man's Chest from the bigger chest_

_All three lean in to the chest. Listen intently. _

Davy Jones's Heart: THUMP THUMP!

Elizabeth: It's real.

Norrington: You actually were telling the truth.

Jack: I do that quite a lot, yet people are still surprised.

Will: Why the hell are your pants down, Jack! _walks forward_

Elizabeth: _runs to Will/ jumps up and down_ Will! My lovah! I am so happy to see you! If I were a man, you would _really _be able to see how excited I am to see you! _kisses Will **passionately**... you know... like cousins_

Jack: _disgusted/confused look_

Norrington: _whispers to Jack _ Is that look on your face because you're as jealous of Elizabeth as I am?

Jack: No, it's because in case you didn't notice, Will CAME OUT OF THE BLOODY OCEAN! ... and dude, don't you mean you're jealous of _Will_?

Norrington: If only it were that simple.

Jack: Who the—What the—Where—How the barnacles did you get here?

Will: Barnacles? _sarcastic_ Really, Jack?

Jack: _looks down/ inward thinking_ I know, huh, sounds like something you would say...

Will: Oh Jack, I should really thank you! Remember when you told me to shut the f-ck up and get you Davy Jones's damn key?

Jack: Vaguely...

Norrington: You _never_ pulled up your pants?

Jack: It was a confusing time for me, James. You said those lovely words and I guess the heat of the moment really cau—

Elizabeth: Hush! Poor little Will is _trying_ to say something!

Will: Thank you, teddy bear. Right, so after you demanded that I get Davy Jones's key, I reunited with my long lost father!

Jack: Who? ... Oh yes, erm, Booty! Yeah! I saw him a few weeks ago on the Black Pearl.

Will: _angry!GLARE! _You knew where he was all along and you didn't even mention it to me?!

Elizabeth: _pouty/ lips pucker/ jaw juts_ You tricked my boy toy into boarding the Flying Dutchman and leading him to be captured by Davy Jones?!

Norrington: _Huffy_ You still haven't pulled up your pants?!

Jack: Brethren, you all... need to... _chillax._

Will: Oh go suck a nut, Jack! I have me some heart-a-stabbin' to do! _waddles to the chest with the key in hand_

Elizabeth: Oh Will! _girly swoon_ I've never seen you so coarse! It's sexy.

Jack: _points sword at Will's neck _As much as I love dear old booty, I cannot let you kill Jones.

Will: ...why?

Jack: For a really contrived reason: If Jones is gone, then no one can tell the Kraken not to eat me. But you would think... THINK... that the black spot would go away if Jones were killed, yeah? But according to the plot, it doesn't and it won't.

Commodore: Damn writers! Always trying to make us opposed to one another!

Will: _wimper/ whisper _Oh my god he's going to kill me! Help Elizabeth?! ...Wait, not if I kill him FIRST! _flings out sword and points at Jack_

Norrington: _whips out sword_ So sorry doll, I can't let you do that either...

Will: Whoa... WHOA. _steps back _Who are you?

Norrington: I really don't want to do the whole spiel about the shipwreck, the hurricane, and my newfound sexiness _all over_ _again._

Will: ... _insecure_ Whatever. I feel sullied and unusual. I think I have to kill you because your hotness is detracting from my own.

Jack: Oh James, you really _do_ love me, to defend me and all. _places hand on chest_

Norrington: Uh no. I love my old snuffy life and I intend to get it returned to me by means of the chest and Lord Cutler Beckett. And most importantly, I really miss the wig. _grieving sigh_

_Will's sword points at Norrington. Norrington's points at Jack. Jack points at Will. _

Pirates Fangirls: _heavy drawn-out sighs_ I bet those swords could cut the sexual tension in the air it's so thick!

Boys: Why is this movie _so_ incredibly homosexual? C'mon! Jack Sparrow always acts like he could be bi, and there's no doubt that Orlando Bloom is a fag. And now this!

Jack: What are we standing here for? Let's fight.

EXCITING MUSICAL SCORE PIPES UP!

_Jack, Will, and Norrington_ _use their brilliant swordsmanship to hack away at each other's flesh the air. Miraculously they manage to dance around each other with long pointy knives like ballerinas in an opera... almost as if this sequence had been rehearsed... _

Elizabeth: _shrillness that cannot even be reached by five cats in a bag being banged against a wall... and then shot, repeatedly _STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! NO!

Audience: My Ears! MY EARS!!!

Elizabeth: This is NOT FUNNY! This is no way for grown men to settle something! _sarcastic tone _Let's just pull out our swords and start banging away at each other, that _always_ solves the problem!

_All three men drop weapons._

Will: You're right Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Wait—you guys are listening to me?! The human ear can pick up piercingly shrill sound waves?

Jack: It DOES always solve the problem. I'm up for it!

Norrington: _slowly recollects something _Yeees... although I've never had an ordeal such as this, I've heard that men extract such ecstacy from their partners that they forget their worries and all is forgiven!

Elizabeth: ... no no no. I was being _sarcastic_, you crazy f-ckers! And all of you are supposed to be in love with me?!

Will: You know, we finally listen to her and it just backfires on us guys.

Jack: I say we ignore her and engage into our epic sword fighting once again.

Norrington: Aye.

Elizabeth: (Her voice became so shrill I couldn't pick up the next few lines...)

_Pintel and Ragetti decide that the chest is worth a 'shiny penny' so they steal it, of course. This poses a big problem, **of course**._

Elizabeth: ENOUGH! Oh the HEAT! THE HEAT!!! _pretends to faint/ realizes it's not getting their attention _

_Jack, Will, and Norrington continue to wack away in a highly choreographed structure. _

Elizabeth: _whistles _Hey fellas! _lifts up top / shakes a bit_

Pintel: Poppet... you know they's ain't gonna work.

_Pintel and Ragetti then run away laughing with the chest._

Elizabeth: Oh Noes! I have a dead MAN'S CHEST! _covers self_

END SCENE

_Jack, Norrington, and Will continue to fight along the beach getting ever so far away. They begin to migrate toward the mountains and a rundown crumbling mill._

Elizabeth: _pouts/ looks around, sees Pintel and Ragetti running away _Oh f-ck! _gets up and chases them_

_Focus cuts to the three fighting men_. _Jack has the key, at the moment._

Norrington: _grabs Will and pushes his face in the sand, and if that weren't enough, then kicks more sand into his eyes _Buaha! You suck sand TURNER!

Will: _quiet sob/ gets up and runs after them/ determined face _Must save daddy!

_Jack and Norrington run inside the mill and fight along the steps going to the top. _

Norrington: Jack, you have no chance! I was trained by the British militia! I was a commodore! I did a swirly twirly little routine at the beginning of Pirates 1, (although it was marginalized due to the focus of Elizabeth's struggled breathing in a sexy corset), but no matter!

Jack: Dude, I'm a _pira— falls off steps/ catches bell rope_

Will: _grabs hold of the bell rope going upwards and reaches Norrington _I might have sucked sand today, Mr. Ex-Commodore, but when Elizabeth and I are married, I'll be sucking something much softer! _grabs key from Norrington and rides the rope to the top_

Norrington: _shouts _That soft thing will be my—

_CUT TO UNDEAD PIRATES ARRIVING ON SHORE. THEY HEAR THE BELL TOLLING AND HEAD FOR THE MILL._

_Now back to the intense fighting. D Will and Norrington are atop the mill as Jack pursues them._

Will: RAH!

Norrington: RAAAH!! _prances back and forth with Will so eloquently_

Jack: _grabs the key from Will's hand _RAHBUAHA!!!

Norrington: Wait wait wait, hold it!

_Will stops._

Norrington: We all know that I wasn't really intending to _kill_ you Turner, so why we keep fighting? I'll never know. Instead, if you would kindly step aside, I would like to beat Sparrow's _ARSE._

Will: Huh? Then what was the point of this extravagant fight if no one was actually gonna chop someone's limb off or whatever?!

Norrington: Shhhh... It's called Hollywood plot points!

Jack: Well if I were you, Norrie, I would be freaking grateful. If any of us were to be killed, it'd be you. _flips fingers, elongates index finger towards him_ Seriously, you're not even on the poster!

Norrington: _sarcasm_ And _seriously _Jack, you don't even have a weapon!

Jack: Wait wait wait, I was just kidding! They ain't evah gonna kill you in a Disney film! (Although so far it's been pretty inappropriate) But anyhow, you should really be killing William right now... because, uh, he's the one that uh, is gonna screw your bonnie lass and who freed a notorious pirate from your watch! AND THEREFORE MADE YOU KINKY BOY! You're as lowly as a two dollar hooker. _proud chuckle _Wow, and that was all true too!

Norrington: SHAT APP FOO! _attacks/ Jack falls off mill and lands safely on grass _Yeaaaah, I guess you're right though. _attacks Will_

Will: Damn you're gullible!

_Jack walks off smugly, puts key around his neck, and falls into an empty grave. Will and Norrington jump onto a giant wheel. The weight of their jump breaks the wheel off it's attachment and it begins to roll in Jack's direction. All while they CONTINUE to fight. Tards._

Will: Norrington, as much as I love sword fighting atop a giant rolling wheel, (which gently reminds me of my circus days in Istanbul), neither of us have the key. Can we stop the madness and decide _not_ to die today?

Audience: Wow, this is the first time Will has been sensible! _amazed_

Jerry Bruckheimer: Nein! Big Fight! Big Money!!! Whoo hoo Wha ha!!

Norrington: Nein! I hate youuu! _continues swinging_

_Jack tries to prop himself out of the grave_. _The wheel rolls over him and luckily doesn't squash him into Sparrow smush. _

Jack: AAHHH!! I'm either really drunk, or I'm actually spinning around upside down in some freak wheel accident. Dear god, I have got to be getting paid _bank_ for this shite. _falls inside the wheel and begins running/ the key has fallen off and snagged onto the interior of the wheel _Hee hee!

Hamster: This is even _less_ fun than the ball of bones!

_Will and Norrington continue to fight aggressively. Either that or they just keep making huffy attack noises. _

Will: HUH! sling shackle!!

Norrington: AAHH!_ SWASH SWASH BUCKLE BUCKLE!_

_Bar collides with Jack's head and he falls out of the wheel to the ground._

Oh dear, there is just far too much excitement.

END PART FOUR


End file.
